Life Update

well, the drama that has gone on is far beyond explanation. Suffice it to say that i am now 5 months pregnant and i have relocated. This is my last day at work (mark the occasion) I thought i would never leave this job...guess that's what i get for thinking. I have not been able to write since i became pregnant i feel that this child will be extremely creative considering 1. she is my daughter and 2. she is sucking all my creativity lol. She will be a beautiful little girl like her sister and we can't wait to meet her.

I guess you could say i have gone through all the normal concerns and worries and some excessive nausea and vomiting...I got a short month long reprieve but now i am back to the nausea and vomiting...i have gained a healthy 7lbs :{ bleh. I make myself feel better by saying most the weight is in my boobs...(let me live in my little world.)

Hope all you writers out there are being creative
Happy writing and blogging to all.

Random Rhythmic Writing

I stand alone amounst the mess I myself have made. Arm and arm with sorrow, arm and arm with pain. Forever will I dwell in the softest kind of sting feeling on the surface but never knowing whats beneath.

~~~~~
Suffocating without breathing
Smiling without feeling
Standing tall through all the sorrow
I wonder if I'll see tomorrow through the clouded dizzy haze
of all the parts i have to play
The world my audience
The stage my art
The smile my shadow to cloak my heart.

~~~~~~

A secret life hidden inside
A secret sorrow no one can find
a hollowed chest where my heart once dwelled
no more will my shame excel.

~~~~~

Unknown

When all your thoughts are scattered like dust into the wind,

When all your dreams are shattered who’s left to be the mend?

When the broken finally crumble, their hearts a glass marked stone

With chips and cracks they shatter when their hateful words are thrown.

When all who are left broken their pieces all the same,

who takes apart the misery to cover all the pain?

Will I ever be that whole again? That beauty I once was, as reflective as a mirror and as see through as the sun.

My shallow heart now hums to the silence it once screamed to tired to keep trying to lost in melody ready to start flying to a place where life remains the simple thing it started when I covered all my pain. Not with words but with actions the slicing of the blade with every crimson color my body did it stain but in my eyes so lovely did I see no hurt to bare for every slicing color did wash away its share

Leaving me so lonely with a satisfying gleam that even those who knew me could not tell it was a scheme.

For if they looked to closely they might see my every pain covered oh so deeply by the scars that leave their names.

Character Post

(sometimes it is creativly productive to write from a characters POV....As always i am protesting editing so ....deal or don't read.)

Being stuck in the middle.... the missing peice to two peoples halves, leave me empty with out answers. How can there be so much certainity in the uncertain. The question why is the only words that come to mind, even if i find the why it won't negate the how, the if, and the pending sorrow. Have i not been logical this whole time, have i not hidden my heart away so that it may not be torn in peices by either distroyer? Have i not pretended to understand when nothing but question clouded every thought that bombarded my mind. To play two roles, two people, two sepreate souls, how will i ever be whole? Is it better to be without? To cut away from both struggles and just rest in the silence of my loneliness...

Further Down The Rabbit Hole

The deeper I go the more I struggle to claw my way around. No, not up or down, just around as in a circle. I can't really type right now, I am tired, and just...well, tired of worrying. So, I will not be blogging about this tonight. I am going to set the computer down and just find something else to do. I love to write and i find it soothing that i have a place to go write. A place where i don't have to sensor my fear because everyone that i would worry about knowing i am scared well they know nothing of this blog so ....to all those strangers out there reading this. Pray for me. Even if your not a prayer type person God hears you just the same.

Yours in Worn Worry,
Shay

Losing Control

It is amazing how people grasp for control in every situation. No matter how small the tiny piece of control makes us feel secure in a way. Secure that we can in deed influence what happens next...That since of control was just shattered for me. I came to the very real ...realization that no matter what I have no control. Does that make me fight harder for control? Will I become submissive to the fact that what will happen WILL happen?

The smallest thing can change your life for the better or worse and whose to say we have any control over that? Sure we can pick which side of the sidewalk we walk down, or what train to take, or who to talk to. All wonderful forms of control, but can you make your heart beat one extra time or one less for that matter? Can you ensure that it will continue to do its vital job of keeping you alive? Can you make it stop skipping when someone you long for enters a room? Nope, you can't as i have so grimly come to realized.

Every time my heart flip flops and sends a shooting feeling through my body that makes me feel as if i have just jumped backwards off a skyscraper I am reminded that something so small that I can not see controls the vital functions of my body. Will it continue to provide vital assistance? That is the question i am faced with today...

I have prayed, I have cried, I have been angry, but I know God....and daily i have to remind myself  that he has and always is in control.

Judgemental

So, the question of the day is...*drum roll* Why are celebrities held at higher standards then the rest of the population? Okay, so there are two questions, the second being: Why do people care how much a celebrity weighs, or what haircut they have?

Example: Me just your typical introvert decides to put on 20lbs (I use decide loosely here). Would that matter to anyone other than myself? No. It really would not be considered front-page news. However, if a celebrity, like Wentworth Miller or Tonya Harding, put on 20lbs its front-page news. (I am not putting them in the same category they are just the two people that popped in my head at the time.)

How can someone live happily under such scrutiny? People debate that celebrities willingly put themselves under the microscope when they choose to become actors. That may be true to a degree. I believe if you have a passion for something you fight for it, take the good with the bad and all that, but why do people care about someone’s appearance that has nothing to do with the little universe that each of us create for ourselves to live in?  We wonder why so many people in Hollywood choose plastic and silicone over natural beauty...which to be clear includes flaws. I believe it is because people thrive on exposing flaws in a figure that is cast as flawless.

Personally, If I was the topic of obsessed fans and crazed critics I would put on weight (to make myself less appealing to the mentally degenerate) and go into hiding somewhere.

My daughter is a natural at acting and she sings dynamically (all talents that I do not posses) but I would be terrified ...no not would be am terrified to expose her to such harsh criticism. It isn't that I think she couldn't handle it. I don't think I can handle it. I don't see the point in opening yourself up to be picked apart. Granted I can't let what I fear become what she fears so when she is ready I will let her make that choice....just not now. I thank God for those words Not Now...I won't be able to hold on to that peace of mind for very much longer.